A story of how I came to yoga...and how yoga came to my diabetes

I started yoga around 8 years ago. Everyone has a different reason for starting yoga, mine was because I wanted to do cool poses like headstand and handstand. I spent a lot of the first few years practicing infrequently and being furious that I was weak and inflexible compared to those around me, and taking very little of the philosophy on board - yes, yes, love yourself, bla bla bla.

I have never found managing type 1 diabetes easy. The aim is to stay within a relatively narrow range (something most bodies do naturally with no conscious input) and if you don't you are at risk of complications such as blindness, kidney failure and amputation later down the line. Whilst I did well in school, university and work, when it came to diabetes, I just couldn't keep on top of it. I saw myself as weak physically and I felt like a failure to be causing myself potentially life threatening complications, and letting everyone around me down in the process. I pushed this part of myself away because it made me feel like I wasn't good enough and continued anxiously overachieving in other areas.

I worried a lot around having a hypo (low blood sugar level where you need to consume sugar before you pass out), especially in inconvenient situations - at work, on a date, during exercise, around people who don't know much about diabetes, and in any situation where I feel unprepared (frequently) - OK, that's most of the time then. So my general strategy was to keep my blood sugar level unhealthily high to avoid any 'inconvenient' hypos. I didn't want to be different or noticed only for the fact I was sick. I saw myself as a victim to my diabetes and resented it, as well as my body that didn't function as it 'should'. Every time I saw a 'bad' blood sugar level (multiple times a day), I beat myself up. So, at the beginning of my journey into diabetes (and myself), I just didn't bother testing at all. I felt lethargic and anxious when my blood sugar levels were uncontrolled and I periodically ate so much to numb the discomfort that my blood sugar level sky rocketed and I would vomit. I spent this time thinking I was the problem. I didn't have a community around me and was only guided by the (non-diabetic) doctors' targets. Every day, I reinforced to myself that I was not good enough.

A couple of years after I started yoga, I went to a diabetes specialist psychologist. We worked on principles of mindfulness and meditation, in an attempt to take out the fear and emotional reactivity from blood sugar management. I realised these were all concepts my yoga teacher had shared in classes and began to understand that there was more to yoga than the physical workout. I started taking yoga more seriously, creating a routine around the physical practice, breath work and meditation. I became receptive and open to the philosophies noticing that yoga was not just the time spent on the mat, but it ripples out through every life experience.

Physically, I have become stronger, more connected to my body and more mobile. But the greatest impacts were in my mind. I rewrote my story, I was no longer a victim and I detached my sense of self worth from my diabetes management. I began to embrace the parts of me that I felt ashamed by and I am now continually amazed by the way my body supports me through life and I'm proud to call it my home. There will always be ups and downs in life. so I'm not claiming that every day is a party now. But in times when negativity creeps in, I know I can always come back to my mat to reset.

Chronic illnesses are tough. It's is not always obvious who has one, you may not know how it is affecting them, and in a bid to seem 'normal', they probably won't tell you either. You don't get a day off and it's a lifelong commitment. Saying that, in so many other ways, it's a gift and there are some beautiful lessons to be learnt from the challenges presented (more on that in another blog!). I hope to create a yoga space where everyone feels welcomed and accommodated for, including those with a chronic illness, such as diabetes. Yoga is not a cure for diabetes. It certainly is not easy, but it is in those times of discomfort that growth occurs. Yoga encourages us to clean the lens through which we view the world and when you change your perspective, you change your world. This has certainly been true for me.

"Yoga is not about touching your toes, it's about what you learn on the way down"

- Jigar Gor